To Say ...
by jino turtlegod
Summary: Syaoran returns from Hong Kong to say the three words that means so much. (Sigh... reload)


Manga - Addicts Presents: To Say ... A Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction  
  
***  
  
Card Captor Sakura created by, registered, and copyrighted to CLAMP/Kodansha, Bandai Visual and any other company and/or division associated with the creation and/or production of Card Captor Sakura. This work of fiction is not intended for any commercial purposes but was created for the entertainment of the Author and Fans of Card Captor Sakura.  
  
No copyright infringement was in any way intended.  
  
To Say ... written by Jino Turtlegod  
  
*** DARK FIC WARNING. SPOILER WARNING. *** R Rating. For mature readers only. Some scenes, themes, language, and situations are not suitable for younger readers. Reader discretion is advised. ***  
  
[The present]  
  
Sakura stood before the grave marker. Her black dress billowed in the wind that howled sorrowfully amongst the elaborate graves. The skies over Hong Kong were gray as if they too were in mourning. Her auburn hair covered her eyes but the tears stains on her cheeks reveal that she had been crying. Now she is silent. Her body no longer wracked by the heart-wrenching sobs that she had given forth during the past few days. Was it because she had ran out of sorrow? Or was it because her heart was numbed by too much pain? As she watched the incense smoke rise up into the air, she sighed, and finally tore herself from the grave.   
  
Li Syaoran leaned against a grave marker, not afraid to get his white robes dirty. He had a sad expression on his face as he watched his beloved grieve. He looks over where Hirigazawa stood in his white robes. Eriol looked back at Syaoran with sad understanding.   
  
Eriol - his cousin and the person who was much more to the clan than Syaoran could ever hope to be. Once, Syaoran disliked Eriol - the dark haired boy irritated him with his mysterious ways and the strange effect he had on Sakura. But now he knew who the boy really was and he understood him. And more importantly, he knew the boy was not a rival for Sakura's feelings.   
  
Eriol slowly shook his head and walked away, leaving Syaoran to brood over the events that had happened.  
  
*** [A moment past]  
  
Four years since they first met. Forever since they had been apart. Sakura stood in the observation tower, watching out for the plane that would bring back her loved one. A brown teddy bear is in her hands.  
  
"You're so happy, Sakura-chan," Tomoyo commented as she recorded every moment.  
  
"Well, if it would stop her from day dreaming so often, then I guess it's good to be having the Brat back," a voice said from within Tomoyo's handbag.   
  
"Oh, hush, Kero-chan, it's been so long since they've seen each other. It's soooo sweet." Tomoyo gushed. "Hey, Sakura-chan, what's the first thing you're going to do?"  
  
Sakura beamed at the camera. "That's easy! I'll hug him and tell him that I love him!"  
  
The purity and intensity of their love. Not once during the hours long telephone conversations had they spoken the three words that contained all that they felt. They understood and accepted without words. An unspoken agreement to finally say the words when they were together once more.  
  
*** [The present]  
  
Syaoran followed Sakura and Eriol along the pathway and down the stone paved stairway. Eriol was behind Sakura and Syaoran was behind him. The dark haired boy however kept to the side of the path, allowing Syaoran an unobstructed view of Sakura, and if he wished, Syaoran could easily pass Eriol and walk beside the girl. But Syaoran hung back, content with the sight of his beloved.  
  
Syaoran gasped as he saw Meilin at the bottom of the stairs with the rest of Sakura's family, Tomoyo, and Yukito. Meilin was in white while the Japanese wore the more Western black.  
  
Mei Lin rushed towards Sakura. Syaoran felt fear for Sakura, wondering if Meilin was still angry towards the Japanese girl that stole her fiancé's heart. He started to edge forward, ready to leap in between the girls if necessary. But instead of fighting, Meilin wrapped her arms around Sakura in a consoling embrace. And both began to weep.  
  
And Li Syaoran sighed. He started as Mr. Fujitaka, Touya, and Yukito looked at Syaoran with varying degrees of interest. Eriol cut off any comment with a wave of his hand and all the men understood and kept silent.  
  
***  
  
It was night. The stars over Hong Kong were dim and the full moon hid behind a veil of clouds. The vibrant life of the metropolis was painfully mocking. The bustle of the streets, the noise of the people, the hum of the vehicles - all were ignored by a heart broken girl.  
  
"It's not fair!" Sakura cried into her pillow in the hotel room she shared with Tomoyo. Tomoyo had respected Sakura's wishes and went out to explore Hong Kong with the others.  
  
"I know it's not..." Syaoran whispered soothingly as he sat down on the bed beside Sakura. Syaoran reached out to touch her.  
  
"Syaoran..." she sniffled. Syaoran bit his lips as sadness overwhelmed him. "I miss you so much, Syaoran."  
  
How Syaoran wanted to cry.  
  
But ghosts cannot shed tears.  
  
***  
  
Syaoran looked out the airplane's window at the large metropolis down below. He smiled to himself in anticipation. He could finally see her again. He could finally say those words that he was unable to say when he left. The words that he wanted to say when they finally looked once more eye to eye.  
  
He closed his eyes and whispered the words that he would say when he held her in his arm.  
  
***  
  
"Attention, Flight 110 from Hong Kong on final approach," the public address system crackled at the people waiting in the observation tower.  
  
"THAT'S HIS FLIGHT!" Sakura squealed in happiness as she moved to the windows to watch the airplane come in.   
  
Tomoyo shifted her position so she could film Sakura and the landing plane at the same time. What she filmed would give her nightmares.   
  
A sudden explosion on the left engine.   
  
Sakura's happy smile turned to confusion.   
  
The plane dipped to the left, it's left wing ploughed into the sea before the runway.   
  
Sakura's horror as she realized what was happening.  
  
The plane exploded as it slammed itself into the runway.  
  
"SYOARAN!!! NOOOOO!!!!"  
  
***  
  
Syaoran looked up as Sakura woke up screaming from her nightmare. He immediately rushed to her side and wrapped his arms around her. And like countless times before, she passed through his form.  
  
He really hated not being able to cry.  
  
***  
  
He waited outside the bathroom as she took a bath. He sighed. ::A timid ghost. Way to go, Syaoran.::  
  
He sat with his back to the wall that separated him from Sakura. He would have leaned on the wall, but for some reason he kept passing through it. He decided it was due to his desire to be with Sakura at all times.  
  
He watched Keroberos float past with a strawberry in his paws.  
  
Kero paused in front of Syaoran and turned his head towards the ghost. The Seal Beast blinked. "Weird."  
  
Syaoran felt a sudden surge of hope. If Kero can see him, then he could act as a medium so that he could talk with Sakura. "Kero! Can you talk to Sakura for me?! Please, I'll do anything!!!"  
  
"Weird." Kero reiterated as he took a big bite of the strawberry, and thus did he shatter Syaoran's hopes.  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
Syaoran and Kero were surprised by Touya's sudden appearance. The college student seemed annoyed as he stood with his arms crossed.   
  
"Eating," Kero replied. "Something's weird is going on. I thought I sensed Li-kun. Probably my imagination." The Seal Beast then fluttered his wings and went off to find a place to eat his strawberry in peace.  
  
The young man and the ghost watched him go away. Then Touya gave a careful glance around. Then his eyes focused on Syaoran. He just gave the boy a sad smile of understanding. And then he walked off.  
  
***  
  
Syaoran floated towards Touya's room. He would have been very disappointed with himself, but as it was, he had more important things to think about. Syaoran should have known that Touya would have been sensitive to spirits. He may have lacked magic, but he was still the child of one of Clow's halves. That and he also forgot that Touya reacted to him after the funeral.  
  
When he phased into Touya's room, the room's owner just gave a slight shiver and then lazily pointed to a small table by his bed. Touya then returned to his studies. Syaoran looked at the small cup of sake. He looked questioningly at Touya.  
  
"It's traditional," Touya stated without lifting his head from his studies.   
  
Syaoran remembered that the Japanese believed that sake could appease ghosts. Without knowing why, Syaoran hovered over the sake cup and waited for Touya to finish his studying. Knowing Touya, Syaoran prepared for a long wait and as he floated over the sake cup, he crossed his legs in the lotus position and meditated.   
  
Several hours later, Touya finally closed his notebook and turned to look at Syaoran. The boy-ghost felt a bit light-headed which was strange since he basically didn't have a body to speak of.  
  
Touya looked as if he expected it. "Want a fresh cup?"  
  
Syaoran looked down at the cup filled with sake and he finally understood. He shook his head. "No I think I need to think clearly."  
  
Touya nodded sagely. "I think you've been taught how ghosts come about."  
  
Syaoran blinked. He knew it was part of his lessons but somehow he couldn't remember all he learned about ghosts and how to lay them to rest.  
  
Once more Touya simply nodded. "Ghosts come from people who were not ready to die. Usually because they still had things to do or because the death was so unexpected. I think you have issues that need to be resolved before you can pass on."  
  
"But I don't want to pass on," Syaoran angrily said. Or he would have. Syaoran was surprised that he was rather calm. He looked down at the sake cup and then at Touya. ::This guy's good.::  
  
Out of habit, Syaoran exhaled in annoyance. Mild annoyance. He looked down once more at the sake cup. The thing was taking the edge off any strong emotion. Syaoran would have felt annoyed at having his emotions tinkered with, but he couldn't, so he settled on being mildly grumpy.   
  
"You were saying?" Touya interrupted Syaoran from his introspection of the sake cup.  
  
"I don't want to pass on. I want to be with Sakura."  
  
"Well, that's where the problem lies. I hate being an insensitive jerk, but she's alive and you're not."  
  
"But- But I love her."  
  
"I know." Touya said. He smiled to himself as he watched the shocked look on Syaoran's face. "But if you don't let her go, she'll never live her life again. She'll always be lost in memories and dreams of what could have been."  
  
"But..." Syaoran was thankful that the sake also worked against sadness.  
  
"Sakura's powerful in magic. She senses you and that makes it harder for her to let go. If there's a way to bring you back, I think she would have done it already. I think you should find out what's keeping you tied here and get it done with."  
  
Syaoran thought for a while on what Touya had said. He knew Touya was right. But Touya also had to be wrong. Because if Touya was right, it meant that his being near the one he loved was wrong. Syaoran finally gritted his teeth before he screamed in frustration and disappeared. The sake cup turned over and spilled on the floor. Touya just looked in irritation at the rice wine that he would have to clean up.  
  
"SYAORAN!!!"   
  
Touya was surprised as Sakura burst into his room with her robe around her and still dripping from her bath. She had been sitting morosely in the bath for a long time when she had suddenly felt a strong familiar feeling wash over her. "SYAORAN! I felt Syaoran! Where is he?! SYAORAN?!" She looked about with a desperately expectant grin on her face.  
  
Touya cursed himself. He should have used stronger sake. Now he had to break his sister's heart. He really hated being big brother.  
  
***  
  
Syaoran huddled in a fetal position in a corner of the roof. White sheets fluttered in the evening breeze. The smell of detergent and antiseptic was strong. It was the smell of a hospital.  
  
For several days he had floated along in a stupor, denying to himself that Sakura's brother was right.   
  
Only to be proven wrong.  
  
Sakura. His beautiful cherry blossom was withering like a flower denied sunlight. It was as if she refused to live.  
  
She was dying. And it was his fault.  
  
***  
  
Touya sat on a chair by Sakura's hospital bed and watched his little sister sleep. It troubled him to see her sunken cheeks, her pallid skin, and her lifeless eyes. She who was so full of life had been reduced to a husk of her former glory.  
  
She had given up on living.  
  
Touya pressed his finger tips to his closed eyelids. He could feel his tears well up once more. He had promised his mother that he would look after his sister, that he would never let anything bad happen to her cherry blossom. He had failed not only his sister but also his mother.  
  
"To-ya."  
  
Touya looked up at the proffered cup of coffee. Yukito gave him his usual gentle smile.   
  
"Yuki..." Touya took the cup, their fingers brushing against each other. It had been a long time since he had slept and his eyes were red, not only with tears but also with fatigue.  
  
Yukito understood Touya's concern for his little sister. Only if he had the same concern for his own health. ::Touya couldn't blame me for caring,:: Yukito thought to himself. ::Though he would be angry...::  
  
Yukito felt heart broken as the grateful look on Touya's face change to one of betrayal as Sakura's brother caught on to Yukito's ploy. But it was too late. "Yuki..."   
  
And Touya knew no more.  
  
Yukito deftly caught Touya with one hand and prevented the rest of the coffee from being spilled with his other hand. Yukito placed the cup on the bedside table as he shifted the sleeping Touya into a more comfortable position on the chair. He smiled to himself, the doctor didn't give the medicine enough credit when he told Yukito that it worked fast. One sip of the spiked coffee and Touya had gone out like a light.  
  
Yukito stood by Touya's chair and cradled the other man's head in his arms. "Sleep well, To-ya," he whispered to the dark room. "I'll guard her. As is my duty."  
  
***  
  
Syaoran looked up at the brilliant light that illuminated his dark corner. He looked up and he felt cold. Before him stood Sakura in a dress as white as snow, she looked healthy and not like the sick, heart broken girl he had seen earlier that evening.  
  
The girl looked at him, and she radiated happiness. He radiated horror. If she was here then...  
  
"Syaoran..." she rushed towards him and threw herself into his arms.  
  
Syaoran horror flickered as they embraced. But only for a moment. Syaoran knew what was right. It was something that he had tried to deny for so long.  
  
Sakura was surprised and a bit hurt as Syaoran pulled away from her.  
  
"Sakura, what are you doing?" he had a frown on his face and a displeased tone in his voice.  
  
"Syaoran... I..." She felt hurt. Why wasn't he happy to be with her?  
  
"If you're here, then it means that I made you die."  
  
Sakura shook her head happily. "No, you didn't make me die. I don't want to live if you're not by my side."  
  
"Do you know how it feels to have someone you love die because of you?!" He reproached. He wanted to scream at her.  
  
"Of course I do! You died because you returned to me!" She looked down and looked as if she was going to cry.  
  
"Nonsense! I died because of an accident! I didn't die because I returned to you! IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! It was an accident! Didn't you listen to the news? A bird got sucked into the engine!" He held her by her shoulders. He almost fainted at having her this close after all this time.  
  
"I'm the Card Mistress! And I wasn't able to do anything! What the use of having these powers if you can't save the one you love?!" She cried out as she forced her way to snuggle into Syaoran's chest.  
  
"Do you regret the time we had together?" he whispered over her head, his arms wrapped around her body.  
  
"No... The only regret that I have is that it was too short." She answered from where she snuggled against him.  
  
"Then don't think that it's your fault. It was just my time. You've already saved me before. You can't always cheat death."  
  
"You are the most precious person in my life..."  
  
"Then let me go. You must live your life. Go back while there's still time. Then at least while you live, it would mean that Li Syaoran did something good." He cursed Heaven for not letting him cry as he felt his very soul rending with sadness.  
  
"But I want to be with you..."  
  
"You can't. Not yet."  
  
"Don't you love me?"  
  
"More than I can ever say or show."  
  
"Then why do you want to be away from me?"  
  
"Because I can't be selfish. The world needs you."  
  
"I can't give my life to the world without you by my side."  
  
"Sakura. I'll always be with you as long as you need me."  
  
They embrace. Syaoran wanted to cry at the delightful sensation of having her this close to him.  
  
"You've got to go back, and I've got to go too..."  
  
Sakura looked up at him.  
  
"Sakura... I..."  
  
"Shhh. Don't say it. I want to hear it only when we are together again."  
  
Syaoran nodded as Sakura began to fade away.  
  
And Syaoran cried.  
  
***  
  
"And she whispered his name before she went..." Yukito murmured as he stood before the grave.  
  
"He was the reason she cared so much for other people. She said that since she couldn't have his children then she would treat everyone like they were hers and Syaoran's," Touya nodded sagely. He didn't cry. During the past few years he had gotten close to his sister and he understood her completely. He knew this was what his sister wanted. A release from duty.  
  
"She's finally with him," Tomoyo added, a sad smile on her face. "She said that the only thing that kept her going was his memory, that whenever the going got rough, she felt him beside her, like a guardian angel."  
  
Touya snorted, Yukito and Tomoyo looked at him. He had an amused smile on his face. "He was always by her side. I guess the Brat never did finish what was keeping him here."  
  
"Let's go before Eriol finishes off the pastry," Touya remarked to his dumbfounded friends as he glanced farewell at his sister's grave. They were the only ones left in the cemetery, the other mourners had gone to the Foundation for afternoon tea - something that Sakura had been adamant about. She didn't want her friends and children to go home hungry, she had said to Touya. "What did he mean?" Sakura asked her beloved as they sat on a tree branch overlooking the cemetery. She was once more fourteen and clothed in the white dress that Syaoran had seen all those years before in the hospital roof.  
  
"I couldn't pass over to the other side until I finished something that I was supposed to do."  
  
"You mean..." She remembered the night that she prevented him from finally doing what he should have done.  
  
He saw the flash of guilt on her face. "I was very happy Sakura. I actually proved to Touya that he was wrong. That you could live your own life even if I remained by your side. I didn't really want to go. All these years as I watched you take care of the homeless, the orphans, and everyone in need, I was proud of you. Of how strong and caring you are. Even when things became bad and the darkness came, you where the light that showed the way.  
  
"The only reason for that was because I knew you were watching over me, and I wanted you to be proud of me. Though I didn't know how closely you were watching." She felt embarrassed and if she weren't a ghost, she would have blushed. "So I probably turned you off when I started being old didn't I?"  
  
Syaoran smiled in embarrassment. "No. You are always beautiful. What scared me was that you would find someone else, but I was also sad that you didn't."  
  
"You shouldn't have been. There was no one who could be better than my Little Wolf." She reached out to hold his hand.  
  
They looked up as ray of light shone down on Sakura. Sakura felt happy as the light embraced her and she felt as if she was flying. Then she felt the tug as Syaoran's hand was pulled away from her. The light was pulling her up and away from her beloved. She looked at Syaoran who was outside the light, his hands reaching out to her as she began to rise over him. And she understood. She was going to Heaven while Syaoran had to remain a wandering ghost, forever unable to do his unfulfilled purpose.  
  
Sakura sent a prayer for the light to wait as she moved out of the light. She looked lovingly at Syaoran and leaned towards him. He looked at her in the same way and opened his arms. They embraced and whispered the words that they had longed to say all these years.   
  
And the light engulfed them both.  
  
The End.   
  
Author's Notes:  
  
Thanks go to Capie for writing two very good fics ("Hana" and its sequel, "Matte") that got me mushy and in the mood to write a bitter sweet Shojo. And Fushigi Yuugi for giving me the idea on what to write about. To Capie, Domo Arigato. 


End file.
